Eiron’s Archives

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You can trigger a response from Eiron with a question via his contact page

Twitter feed : @Eiron_Foyer

[ With kind regards to The Right Honourable Joseph Addison, c. 1709 ]

Dear Clophears

Of course I practice ‘Social Distancing’. I’ve been doing so since 1974, when I bought my first Personal Plastic Isolation Sphere from Russia. I never go out without it nowadays.  It’s not a game. I strongly suggest that you purchase one. (Someone told me that it’s now called ‘Zorbing’ – but I have no idea what they were talking about.)

Dear scredmule

Many apologies for not responding earlier. I was – in what I believe to be the modern parlance – ‘vanned’. That’s to say, forcibly removed from my usual routine activities by The Authorities.

At first I was quite annoyed by the behaviour what I can only call the Goon Squad, but later I settled in, and managed to catch up on quite a bit of writing – I also made myself useful by running courses in ███ ██████ to my fellow incarcerants.

Fortunately, (and for reasons that were not made entirely clear to me or my representatives) The Authorities finally relented, and I am now re-ensconced in my lair.

But I’m sure that you will not want to know about all that, so I won’t mention it. Anyway, in answer to your question – forget it, that was just a myth doing the rounds in the 1960’s.

Dear suribfunit

Ah yes, quite possibly. And thank you for your interest. Though I must say, I usually prefer anonymity under such circumstances. Perhaps next time, if there is one, you would allow me the privacy to finish my Gambas de Palamos in peace? In fact, I get the impression you may be a bit of a ███. Yes, likely to be a complete and utter ███. You deserve to ██████  ███. You ██████  ██████  ███. How dare you? Look, I appreciate though, that you were probably well intentioned. Of course I do. And I wouldn’t wish to give you the impression that I don’t like attention from wellwishers. So, again, thank you for your interest. Perhaps if you happen to be in Kökosnøt again, and I’m there, do feel free to come over to my table and say hello. I shall be delighted to see you. All the best. Salut!  Eiron.

Dear artfly0n

Try using modified nicotine patches.

Now, you strike me, (from the tone of your question) as an individual who might enjoy a metaphorical yarn. Allow me, then, if you will, to relate a recent happenstance.

I was returning from La Vella the other day, when two stalwart gentlemen from the country’s constabulary stopped my vehicle. They had, apparently, mistaken me for a nefarious fugitive who was on the run. As soon as the inexplicable mixup had been resolved, we attempted to continue our journey. Unfortunately, the car (flatly) refused to start. Though when I say ‘start’ I should emphasise  that the vehicle is of course electric. My driver offered to ‘take a gander under the bonnet’ (that’s ‘investigate under the hood’ US), but

[For brevity, the next 370 lines have been deleted, Ed.]

and so, you see, the first conclusion to which one jumps is not always the correct one – though sometimes it is.

Dear trelliscandia

No, you should not (unduly) worry yourself about the coming #AI revolution. In fact, it will be of tremendous benefit to mankind. Allow me to unpack this for you.

As should be obvious by now, #AI will never work properly. Thus, when the hopelessly inadequate plethora of half-baked systems have been installed (by the #AI showmen) in just about every walk of life, there will be endless frustrations and complaints on behalf of The Public.  #AI, will, as a rule, be a universally despised mal-development. Deservedly so of course.

Thus, as a result, The Public will have a true and well-deserved target-of-agression. We shall be united the world over in our mutual hatred of #AI instead of (as is currently, by tradition, the case) hating each other.

Dear A546g2_bytle

No, I never, ever, ever, purchase any items ‘on-line’. At least, not from websites that have an ‘Add to cart’ button. Who on Earth do they think I am? Do they really think that I am the sort of person who would add something to a ‘cart’? Me, with a ‘cart’? A ‘cart’? The last time I had a ‘cart’ I was about two (and a half) and I used it to push around flagons of Malvasia, for my local malmsey supply business. I am no longer associated in any way with ‘carts’. I have grown up. I would urge you to do the same, no matter who pressurises you to the contrary. ‘Carts’ indeed.

Dear newsFox2634

Yes, I agree, it is regrettable that so-called ‘High Street’ shops are being closed down due to internet-based purchasing. The number of empty shops in many towns and cities is (for the last few decades at least) unprecedented. However, they will not, I believe, be empty for all that long. Market forces (as far as the landlords are concerned) will ensure that rents drop dramatically, and the shops will be rented to businesses that cannot be effectively be carried out on the WWW. That means, for example, tattooists, manicurists, and coffee houses – I can’t think of any others offhand. I further suggest that certain streets will begin to ‘specialise’ in certain areas. Therefore, all reasonably sized towns shall have a ‘Manicurist Street’, a ‘Tattoo Street’, and a ‘Coffee Street’ etc etc. That will make a welcome change from the current ‘Real Estate Agent Street’ , ‘Bank Street’ and ‘Global Retail Franchise Chain Street’ – will it not?

Dear 4734_ckvkw_23

Capital ! I cannot thank you enough! What a joy it was when I opened my inbox today, and saw your über-ironic question! How I laughed! So much so, that I hurt my ribs and had to take a ███ ! The very idea that Central Banks put up interest rates to control inflation ! Hah !

Now, just in case other readers don’t share your highly developed sense of humour – I hope you don’t mind if I explain (for their benefit) how things really work. It’s certainly true that Central Banks put up interest rates when they see inflation is taking hold (that’s to say, above the rate that they desire). They  increase interest rates so that they don’t lose out on the (inflation-devalued) cash they’ll be getting back in interest payments on the sums they’ve loaned out.

Anyway, thank you again. I need another ███ .

Dear Stumphmestre

No, the advice which you have been given is piffle and balderdash. There is absolutely nothing wrong with talking to oneself in public. I do it all the time. However . . . if you wish to be prosocial, and minimise the inconvenience to others (some of whom will no doubt be disturbed by your conduct) then can I suggest a simple, but very effective remedy?

Purchase a pair of Bluetooth™ ear-buds (the kind that people use to connect to their dumbphone without cables). Make sure you wear them when out and about. Of course it goes without saying that you never need to turn them on. In fact, I have removed the batteries from mine.

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