Eiron’s Archives

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[ You can trigger a response from Eiron with a question via his contact page, or by commenting on any article on the main website, as many do, with spamjunkdross ]

Twitter feed : @Eiron_Foyer

[ With kind regards to The Right Honourable Joseph Addison, c. 1709 ]

Dear Awbuthnought-II

No, I have absolutely no idea where to buy cut-price chandeliers. Please could you inform me why, in the name of ██████ ████████ ██████ you have come to the conclusion that I would know such a thing? I have nothing against chandeliers mind you. I like chandeliers. It’s the ‘cut price’ part which leaves me flabbergasted. Who do you think I am? Do you have any idea whatso

[ Thanks Eiron. I have cut this entry short as I think you have adequately made your point. Ed. ]

Dear yoflyyofly

How right you are. I sympathise. One cannot be in five places at once. Even two is pushing it.

Dear neracnato

I don’t necessarily condone your habit of trying to prise limpets off rocks when the tide goes out. Nevertheless, should you wish to do so, may I tell you that the secret is surprise. You need to creep up slowly and very quietly, but without touching them (or the rocks). Then you must hit them with one glancing (and very rapid) sideways blow. In other words, catch them by surprise. If you misjudge, they will redouble, no, requadruple their efforts to remain attached to the rock.

And yes, you guessed it, this is indeed all a metaphor for getting rid of ████████ . Good luck. But don’t forget, in any event, to be successful, you will need to wait for a low tide first, otherwise you have virtually no chance. Yes, that’s another metaphor.

Dear Yanouflake

Without in any way wishing to offend, it seems you are a fully paid-up member of the tiresome droves who will happily repeat the glib and hackneyed phrase of the year : “If it’s free, you are the product”.

You clearly haven’t thought this through though.

It is true that your personal data is indeed bought-and-sold like a product – but you are not a product. You were not ‘produced’ by those seeking advantage over you. You could (and should if you insist on regurgitating such things) more accurately call yourself a ‘commodity’. Or a ‘target’.  Or even a ‘parasitic host’.

Dear tea4bark

Well yes, no, I confess that I didn’t read Pinker’s book in its absolute entirety  – but you have, you tell me, and it seems that as a result, you are now suffering, if I may say so, from a worrisome excess of optimism. Luckily, however, caught in its early stages, the condition is curable. Can I recommend that you book a fortnight’s swimming holiday in the North Pacific Gyre? After that, a short break in ████ , followed by some detox in the form of a study course on the global money-laundering industry. Or, failing that, on New Millennium Leadership Studies. Or CRISPR gene-editing, Or ██████ weapons technology. That should put you straight.

When you have recovered, try to bear in mind that one should always aim to be around 51% optimistic.  Get some grey-tinted spectacles too.

Eiron: Please could you refrain from encouraging our readers to put themselves in physical danger, Thanks, Ed,

Dear hatmaker107

I am mortified to hear that the leather arm patches on your cardigans are “always wearing through”. Can I suggest three things that might help your predicament?

1) Desist from resting your elbows on abrasive surfaces.

2) Cover your patches with a layer of Graphene – which, as I am sure you are aware, is the world’s strongest material (so far discovered). This can easily be achieved by generously rubbing the patches with the ‘lead’ of a 2B pencil – this procedure will leave several layers of graphene on the leather surface, thus protecting it from undue wear and tear.

3) Get a ████ why don’t you.

Dear Xmalooco

Yes, of course it goes without saying that I am aware of C.G. Jung’s ‘Collective Intelligence’ ideas. Though it would appear that I do have to say it – so here goes. Dear old Carl was very nearly right, but as was so often the case, he had grabbed hold of the wrong end of the shaman stick. There is indeed a group consciousness that ’emerges’ to form an entity with greater powers than the sum of its individual members. It is not ‘Collective Intelligence’ however, but ‘Collective Daftness’.

To observe its current ubiquity and its acutely powerful effects in action, you merely have to turn on your television and watch ‘The News’ (on any channel, in any language). If TV is too old-fashioned for you, log on to your social media feed instead.

Dear tradsecint

I hope that you won’t mind if I do not directly answer your question about ballast requirements for container ships.  I think the question that you meant to ask was “What can be done about snowflakes?”

As you may have heard, no two snowflakes are identical, nevertheless, en-masse they do tend to produce rather similar effects. They form a thick and  featureless layer which obscures the reality which lays underneath. Such layers may only persist for a short time before they melt, but, depending on the prevailing climate, they may last several months, if not years. And, in extreme cases, many hundreds or thousands of years.

What can be done? I should point out that like any physical action, energy is required to produce change. In the case of snowflakes, if we have powerful enough equipment at our disposal (such as a snow plough) we may achieve quite a lot in quite a short period. If not, we may have to resort to melting them one snowflake at a time. All clear Ed. ?

Editor’s Note

It seems that Eiron has resigned – again. I’m sure he’ll be un-resigning soon. That’s what usually happens.

Dear waynescrattle

I am sorry that I was not able to help [see post below] It seems that my editor has decided that the public presentation of certain scientific facts – for that is what they were, pure and simple – has conditions attached. The implication is that only a privileged few should have access to such things. This clearly flies in the face of the principles of continuous free advancement of science and unhindered devolvement of knowledge in general – a cause to which I am deeply devoted. Sadly, therefore, I have no option but to resign my position as columnist with immediate effect.

Dear waynescrattle

Sorry to hear about your travails. I hope the following will help. The first step is to ████████ ███████████ █████ ███████████ ███████ ███████ Then █████ █████ ██████████ ██ ██████████ ███████ ███████ ████████ █████████ ██████ ████ ███████████ ███ It goes without saying, of course, that the utmost care must be taken with █████████ ██████ ████ ███████████ Good luck – do me know how it goes.

Eiron: As you will see, I have had to redact almost all of your post. I must emphasise to you (again) that this is very definitely not the place to publish such material. Please can you bear that in mind for the future. Ed.

Dear 3Ah45Kfe7cC21

Please refrain from trotting out hackneyed aphorisms that you clearly have not considered in any depth. No, “A stopped clock” is not “right twice a day.”

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