Eiron’s Archives

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This is not always the case of course. Sometimes they themselves choose to emulate the moronic behaviour of (those whom they presume to be) their superiors.

Allright, I concede. I was trying to convince myself as I wrote, but you are correct,  ███ is indeed a moron.

Dear Ed.

Thanks, but I am fine as a fiddle. I recently applied for an online course – but found that I had mistakenly clicked on ‘poetry’ instead of ‘pottery’. Since I had already paid, I decided to continue anyway. I leaned of many things – such as acatalectic  analogy . . .

A blacksmith can take a simple iron strip, and (with the help of a furnace) can fashion a fancy ferule, a filigree, or a ferrous frolic.  Alternatively, he/she can turn it into something useful like a horseshoe, or a knife, or a doorstop.

It was a close shave I admit, but I have escaped without permanent damage.

Dear Cxzeckst4n

I share the same response. At this time of the year, nothing pleases me more than to take a short and leisurely stroll down to the local sandy beach, where I shall find, as often as not, a host of gulls wheeling and tumbling in the azure sky, Without – it seems to me – a care in the World. As one, their united flock dives, flows and (re)turns with consummate grace. Timeless. Limitless . Flow. A spectacle of kinetic living connectedness.

Eiron: I just checked, and there is no beach in Andorra. Are you ok? You don’t seem quite your usual self (again). Ed.

Dear gradolistus

I’m sorry to hear that you are having trouble with your bank. As you will appreciate, I am not a financial advisor – I can however, tell you about the strategies which I have used in the past to get them to behave.

If you have a large deposit with a bank, they will consistently ignore you – unless . . . you give them the impression that you are just about to withdraw the entire amount. Then they will contact you and offer all kinds of advice. Ignore their advice, but tackle them with the problems you have been having, which they will quickly resolve for you.

Alternatively, if you have a large debt with the bank, then you must lead them to believe that you are about to default on the loan, and that it will be completely impossible for them to recover the bulk of their money without your assistance. They will give you every courtesy and, as above, will happily and speedily correct any problems that you have been having.

Dear UvorPrinq77

If you want my opinion, you are wasting your money applying for an ‘International Relations’ course at university. Frankly, you can learn everything you need to know in an hour or so. As in any professional field, the key to it is simply getting a firm grasp on the required language skills. Allow me to illustrate with an imaginary current-day high-level exchange between World Leaders.

“You are the very biggest stupid person like EVER”
“Oh yeah? At least I’m not fat!”
“Just stupenduzly [sic] stupid”
“But my weapons are as big as yours, and so is my bank account”
“Yeah, like Duh! Your bank is in MY country, jackass”
“. . . errr, is the bar open?”
“Dunno, let’s check it out – by the way, got any ███ ?”

Put in some practice speaking in that way and I guarantee and you will be able to acquire and hold down the very highest-level diplomatic job in (almost) any First World country.

Dear Awbuthnought-II

No, I have absolutely no idea where to buy cut-price chandeliers. Please could you inform me why, in the name of ██████ ████████ ██████ you have come to the conclusion that I would know such a thing? I have nothing against chandeliers mind you. I like chandeliers. It’s the ‘cut price’ part which leaves me flabbergasted. Who do you think I am? Do you have any idea whatso

[ Thanks Eiron. I have cut this entry short as I think you have adequately made your point. Ed. ]

Dear yoflyyofly

How right you are. I sympathise. One cannot be in five places at once. Even two is pushing it.

Dear neracnato

I don’t necessarily condone your habit of trying to prise limpets off rocks when the tide goes out. Nevertheless, should you wish to do so, may I tell you that the secret is surprise. You need to creep up slowly and very quietly, but without touching them (or the rocks). Then you must hit them with one glancing (and very rapid) sideways blow. In other words, catch them by surprise. If you misjudge, they will redouble, no, requadruple their efforts to remain attached to the rock.

And yes, you guessed it, this is indeed all a metaphor for getting rid of ████████ . Good luck. But don’t forget, in any event, to be successful, you will need to wait for a low tide first, otherwise you have virtually no chance. Yes, that’s another metaphor.

Dear Yanouflake

Without in any way wishing to offend, it seems you are a fully paid-up member of the tiresome droves who will happily repeat the glib and hackneyed phrase of the year : “If it’s free, you are the product”.

You clearly haven’t thought this through though.

It is true that your personal data is indeed bought-and-sold like a product – but you are not a product. You were not ‘produced’ by those seeking advantage over you. You could (and should if you insist on regurgitating such things) more accurately call yourself a ‘commodity’. Or a ‘target’.  Or even a ‘parasitic host’.

Dear tea4bark

Well yes, no, I confess that I didn’t read Pinker’s book in its absolute entirety  – but you have, you tell me, and it seems that as a result, you are now suffering, if I may say so, from a worrisome excess of optimism. Luckily, however, caught in its early stages, the condition is curable. Can I recommend that you book a fortnight’s swimming holiday in the North Pacific Gyre? After that, a short break in ████ , followed by some detox in the form of a study course on the global money-laundering industry. Or, failing that, on New Millennium Leadership Studies. Or CRISPR gene-editing, Or ██████ weapons technology. That should put you straight.

When you have recovered, try to bear in mind that one should always aim to be around 51% optimistic.  Get some grey-tinted spectacles too.

Eiron: Please could you refrain from encouraging our readers to put themselves in physical danger, Thanks, Ed,

Dear hatmaker107

I am mortified to hear that the leather arm patches on your cardigans are “always wearing through”. Can I suggest three things that might help your predicament?

1) Desist from resting your elbows on abrasive surfaces.

2) Cover your patches with a layer of Graphene – which, as I am sure you are aware, is the world’s strongest material (so far discovered). This can easily be achieved by generously rubbing the patches with the ‘lead’ of a 2B pencil – this procedure will leave several layers of graphene on the leather surface, thus protecting it from undue wear and tear.

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