Eiron’s Archives

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Thank you again RChurryCont3st for providing me with the long awaited opportunity to explore this profound enigma, or at least to have a stab at it.

Dear Twersfayst

If ‘Thinking about things’ is so difficult for you, why don’t you just stop?

If it’s any help to you, I had a ‘colleague’ by the name of  J. Smackramblurdi who was a ‘guru’ of sorts. Over the years he developed a rigorous method of ‘not-thinking’ – which he utilised when he felt that trivial subjects were not deserving of his mental focussing powers. Such was his devotion, that he claimed in his later years not to spend any time at all on thinking (or dreaming) – in order to ‘allow space for other things’ to enter his mind. I think he might have been exaggerating slightly as, to his last days, I noticed that he kept a very keen eye indeed on his offshore bond performances.

Dear EuF0rm

I really don’t profess to have much talent for ‘Dream Analysis’ but in your case I’ll try to be of assistance. You wrote :

“I had a dream in which I was cycling along a narrow country path. There were two sheep in front of me, and I noticed they were talking to each other in English. One turned around to look at me, so I said ‘Good morning’. The sheep replied ‘Evidently’ in quite a grumpy way.”

It is clear that the ‘sheep’ which are referred to are latent resistances emerging from a disguised fulfilment of repressed wishes. They are the condensation of secondary elaborations which are unacknowledged aspects of the dreamer’s desires for reconciliation with the displacement of senseful psychological structures. Semioticly then, in other words | Cycle | Path | Sheep | English | “Evidently” | Now really, need I say more? You see?

Daer 44Reserk

I am not sure, now pay attention to this instead. It’s much more interesting.

Imagine that you are floating above a fragrant dish of Truta a la Andorrana garnished with freshly picked nasturtium flowers. Freshly picked. Literally floating mind, not figuratively. The colours are simply ineffable. The indescribable sublime aromas cannot be described. This is, in short, a multimodal polisensual experience of gastronomic paradise. All achieved simply by adding one-and-a-half drops* of my newly developed preparation to the dish, taking a mouthfull, and waiting a minute or two.

If I do say so myself, this is psychogastronomic prefection taken to an entirely new level. An entirely new level.

* To be honest, one-and-a-half drops is not quite enough, and two is too many, but I haven’t yet devised a mechanism to dispense a three-quarter drop.

[ Eiron. I was under the impression that you had given up this kind of thing. Please reconsider. I think it’s having the old effects again. Ed. ]

Dear Calnoflad

Yes yes of course I have heard about the Marmite® DNA test. You can have yourself tested for a mere £89.99. Alternatively, you can find out whether you like it or not by buying a small jar (around £2.50) and then tasting it.

You may also be interested in my new DNA test. I can send you a kit which will show, beyond all reasonable doubt, whether you are a carrier of the CAUFI_101 gene. Colloquially known as the ‘Gullibility Gene’. I’ll do it for a very reasonable £89.97

Dear Pack3453A

You seem to have a fundamental misunderstanding regarding evolutionary theory. The fact that we (or indeed any other creature) manifestly present a physical or mental attribute of some sort, does not mean that it must somehow provide an evolutionary advantage. Quite the contrary. As you may be aware, one of the driving forces of evolution is the prevalence of random genetic mutations. It’s true of course that a chance mutation which provides a benefit of some kind will very probably become a permanent feature of future generations – but (and this is where your misunderstanding arises) so will other mutations that are not detrimental. That explains, does it not, why, in your “advanced years” you have to live with “prodigious quantities of nostril hairs”. It’s not that they give elderly people such as yourself any particular advantage – it’s just that they cause no particular harm (aside from their aesthetic effects on observers).

Dear RollandButter

Whyever not? “Dotard” is a perfectly good word is it not?

Dear nvb76et

“My bank is offering me the new ‘Open Banking’ options – what should I do?”

The new system will allow companies (and other organisations) direct access to your on-line banking facility, so that they can log in to your accounts exactly as you do (same password etc etc). Why not also give them a copy of all your house and car keys? While you’re at it, you could also provide them with the private phone numbers of your partner(s) and all your close friends. As a bonus, make your application by post, and be sure to lick the glue on the envelope, as this will provide them with a DNA sample as well.

Dear JKtheThoid

I really don’t share your pessimism about the fact that “hordes of zombie-like hypnotised drones are wandering aimlessly and bumping into one another”. Yes, it’s true that the smartphone screen has transformed the way that adults behave in public. What problem do you have with that?

Imagine a herd of horses in which 95% have been fitted with permanent 24hr-a-day visual and cognitive blinkers. The other 5% have not. In the short, medium or long term, which group do you think will have the competitive evolutionary advantage? You should be thankful.

Dear Crowf4ctor12

In law, one cannot steal from oneself. I have come across a similar case to yours, in which a man ‘steals’ an attractive umbrella from a stand by the door in a restaurant – and, upon returning home, finds that it’s the very one that he left there by accident a few weeks previously.

In your case, the wiring diagram which you asked me to clarify shows that you have ‘hot wired’ your electricity meter on the wrong side. Thus all that ‘free current’ which you have been using to heat your ‘hot tub’ (and actually I have no idea what one of those is) will be duly invoiced to you on your next utility bill.

I should also point out that if you continue to make a habit of stealing from yourself, you will inevitably end up worse off – in the same way that the ambient temperature of a room which contains a refrigerator that has its door open will slowly rise – due to the inefficiencies in the machinery.

Dear Plumedenom

No, I’m not at all convinced by your thesis that we are now living in a epoch of “Post Truth”. If that were so, then it follows, does it not, that there must have previously been an era of “Pre Truth” – and logically therefore, a period of “Truth” somewhere in between.

I confess that I have not been able to pinpoint those “Truth” times in any period of known human history – though I concede that perhaps they were so infinitesimally short that I missed them.

Dear Tracker775

It’s my experience that when people say “I don’t wish to offend you but . . .” it usually means they do, and they’re just about to.

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