Eiron’s Archives

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So I was a trifle perplexed at your admonishment. Why on Earth would I be offended? That could only possibly happen if I cared one way or the other about your opinions regarding my wax-cylinder collection. Actually, I don’t much care for the things myself – I only collect them because some years ago I was encouraged to do so by a financial advisor. They will (he said) constantly increase in value, outperforming (he said) even the hottest stocks and shares.

It has to be said though that, as yet, his sage advice doesn’t really seem to be rendering dividends all that well. The situation has not been helped by the current fad for so-called digital recordings, which as you may know, have nothing and I mean nothing of the warm satisfying mellifluous crackliness that a cylinder has. Oh, and by the way ████  ███ ████  ███. No offence.

[ Eiron: Could we be a little more courteous towards our readers? Ed. ]

Dear Omnibramble

I’m sorry to hear that your attempts at making wine from Sauvignon Blanc grapes have met with lacklustre results. By a happy co-incidence though, I just noticed that Pernod Ricard S.A. (makers, of course, of the delicious Pernod and Ricard) have recently received a patent for a method that can provide lovely fruity flavours for such brews. They simply bubble hydrogen sulphide gas through the fermenting grape juice. This (by as yet un-explained biochemical pathways) provides the wine with a bouquet of lovely fruity flavours reminiscent, they say, of passion fruit and grapefruit.

Do not be dissuaded by the fact that hydrogen sulphide stinks (prodigiously) like rotten eggs and cabbage and is highly toxic. Or that when bubbled through water it produces sulphurous acid which later oxidises into sulphuric acid.

By the way, if you do think about employing their method, you will of course need to contact Pernod Ricard in advance to arrange licensing and royalty payments for utilising their patented idea.

Dear XyclmDSw7

I can’t tell you how grateful I was to receive your offer of a ‘Payday Loan’. I confess I’m not sure what a ‘Payday’ actually is, but the idea of a loan sounds really quite attractive. Especially with such a reasonable interest rate which you offer at 1,430% a.p.r. Please could you make your cheque payable to NoShore Holdings (Andorra), c/o Poste Restante 348376-994, Andorra la Vella. Shall we initially say £350k Euros?

Whenever you need an interest repayment, please do (try to) contact the organisation above who, I can assure you, will give your invoices all the attention they deserve.

[ Eiron, should we really be encouraging such things? Ed. ]

Dear PMLowcasler

I’ll be glad to assist in resolving what you call a ‘heated debate’. An avocado is indeed a fruit. As is a tomato, a cucumber, and a coconut. However, as you rightly point out, you are unlikely to find any of them in the ‘Fruit’ department at your local supermarket. This is because the owners of the establishment are either :

a) Ignorant of how to properly classify botanical foodstuffs, or :

b) They assume that their customers are insufficiently educated to know the difference.

Sadly, I suspect that the owners will pay little or no attention to your petitions for correct classification. All I can suggest is that you take direct practical action, and do the re-indexing yourself – by moving the fruits back onto the fruit shelves where they so obviously belong.

Dear Troffipasta

Funnily enough, I was just thinking about the very question that you refer to – viz. ‘Leadership’. Specifically, how do we end up with the ‘Leaders’ which we have. Can I refer you to an academic paper currently awaiting publication in the academic journal ‘Leadership’ – It’s entitled ‘The function of myths about great leaders in human culture: A cultural evolutionary perspective’

The authors assert that :

“It is argued that infants have a phylogenetacially ’embedded software’. That is, they are preset with a universal platform for messages transmitted by a large figure perceived as competent and benevolent. The specific contents are carried on this platform.”

Implying that our attraction to ‘Leaders’ is a childish artifact – and that ‘Leaders’ need to be (in some sense at least ) Large.

They also point out though that :

“It was reported that infants are sensitive to at least three kinds of ostensive stimuli from the moment they are born: eye contact, contingent responsivity, and infant-directed speech—’motherese’ “
In other words, a ‘Great Leader’ would probably advance their career considerably by babbling nonsense (and preferably in a high voice). Rhymes and repititions also help.
Does that clarify things for you?

Dear lin.nuzzo707

No, you should never do that. Although I have heard that some Amazonian tribes regularly make a habit of it. They are of course accustomed to such practices – and I suspect that you may perhaps not be (many apologies if you are an Amazonian tribesperson) .

My advice then would be to stick to simply chewing gum instead.

Dear Flutewr4ngler

Much appreciate you sending me details of where to obtain prescription medications at a substantial discount. Though I did of course note the thinly disguised sub-text of your communication, which is of course the scourge of so-called pedestrian crossings.

I’m sure, like me, you’ve noticed that the UK Govt. is currently threatening to pass legislation that will force local councils to remove speed bumps – with the admirable aim of decreasing CO2 emissions.

They (or rather their scientific advisors) assert that when drivers slow down for the bumps and then subsequently accelerate away, they burn more fuel than if they had proceeded at a constant speed,

Therefore I would like to address your thoughts regarding the low numbers of pedestrian crossings in your area.

You shouldn’t be using them anyway.

Every time you casually press that button to change the traffic lights to your favour, you are literally helping to destroy the Earth. You must stop this irresponsible behaviour immediately. Don’t you have any regard for the future of our planet, and our descendants who will have to inhabit a scorching parched wilderness just because of your self-centered whim to stop the traffic and wander across the street whenever it takes your fancy.?

Shame on you sir (or madam).

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