Eiron’s Archives 02

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So it is with considerable frisson that I can reply to you that, no, I have never come across the idea of using electronic gas detectors to hunt for truffles – but it sounds like a perfectly viable ( and wonderful ) idea. I may well try it myself.

Good luck with the hunting. ( p.s. If it doesn’t work, get a dog ( or a pig ))

Dear mmm_not_a_747

I am somewhat confused. Are you searching for a TV with a built-in treadmill ? or a treadmill with a built-in TV ? If you could please enlighten me I will endeavour to point you in the right direction.

Dear fghwetmzgoyt

Yes, I am very much aware of the phrase “ Not many people know that “. It is generally attributed to Sir Michael Caine, the Hollywood ( née British ) film actor. ( He actually uttered those very words in the 1983 film production of ‘ Educating Rita ’ )

I greatly admire his acting style, though I regret to say that I have never personally bumped into him. Odd perhaps, since I am led to believe that he frequents various excellent restaurants in Montreux, Switzerland, as do I.

If I may be permitted to say so though, I do recall many other filmic pronouncements which are also attributed to him, and some are, in my opinion at least, considerably more poignant :

Such as “ Detriments you call us? Detriments?! Well I want to remind you it was detriments like us that built this bloody empire! “

[ If you could stick to science/technology please, thanks. Ed.]

Dear Xnon_7824

Thank you very much for forwarding my name as a possible candidate for honorary membership of the Search for Extra Terrestrial Intelligence (SETI) society of Bahrain.

Due to lack of time, I will, unfortunately, not be able to take up your kind offer. I am currently very much occupied with the related field of STI instead. ( Which, I find, takes up almost all of the time, effort and patience I can muster.)

Dear gnorminton_fletcher

You are quite correct to be concerned about the levels of toxic man-made chemicals accumulating in the livers of Polar Bears. And no, it would be very unwise to eat such an organ. But not, perhaps, for the reasons you cite.

In fact, given the choice, you should never make a habit of eating the livers of any carnivore. Apart from anything else, you will put yourself in danger of developing hypervitaminosis A. [ a condition caused by excess vitamin A ]

You may wish to consult the diary of Gerrit de Veer (1597) which, as I am sure you are aware, he wrote while he was attempting to reach Indonesia by the northern passage. He took refuge during the winter in Nova Zembla, and he and several of his men became gravely ill after eating polar-bear liver.

Dear Transfatz

I think perhaps it may be stretching a point to assume that it’s possible to classify personality-types by paying attention to the colour of people’s cars.

Although I hold some degree of credence for the Lüscher color test, I’m not entirely sure that one could apply it to car colour. Clearly, many individuals have no choice whatever in the colour of their car ( although at the luxury end of the market, where owners can pick and choose a colour at will, I concede it may be worth investigating ).

For what it’s worth, I own an orange E-Type ( 1977) and a burgundy Bentley (1936). Make of that what you will.

By the way, best of luck restoring your black Trabant.


Dear AsprattPin

Can you clarify ? When you say “Where can I obtain cheap horse remedies ?” do you mean remedies for a cheap horse ? If so, I fear it may not be worth the expense.

Dear Green_roofer23

You asked my opinion about the validity of the so-called ‘gene patents’. Perhaps can illustrate by way of example.

Some time ago ( 1983 actually ) I performed an auto-biopsy and extracted a small sample of body cells. A laboratory in Liechtenstein extracted the DNA for me, and ‘amplified’ the sample up to a few grams. My DNA sample is now stored in a naturally refrigerated bank vault in the town of Pevek, in North Eastern Russia.

As you may be aware, ( the fact often surfaces in press reports ) we humans share approximately 50% of our genes with bananas. Therefore, I can surmise that around half my DNA is ‘in use’ within an average banana. I did not give my permission for this.

I intend to fully assert my rights on this matter, and so, by way of a test-case, I am in the process of initiating a court action against a banana plantation in Honduras. I feel confident about winning the case, since I can afford much better lawyers than they can the scientific evidence, and past patent actions, weigh heavily in my favour.

I trust that answers your question.

[ Are you really ? Ed. ]

[No. E. ]

Dear Hur4y_H3nry

Without wishing to disappoint you, the science of turbulent flows is nigh on incomprehensible – to anyone. To put it sharply into perspective, the study of complex turbulence makes the concepts behind quantum physics look like child’s play.

Don’t even think about quantum turbulence. Please.

Dear Bombeiro_ruim

As a newly formed small-scale manufacturer of organic cotton buds, you enquired where you would be able to source the correct bar-code for your prospective packaging.

By an astounding coincidence, I happen to know the bar-code for organic cotton buds. It’s – ‘ thin one, thin one, thick one, thin one, thick one, thick one, gap, thin one, thick one, thin one, thick one, thick one [ that’s enough. Ed. ]

Dear TyneGoldish

No, it is most unlikely that a v1ru5 is the reason that your PC screen ” keeps filling up with ‘Y’s ”

Get a new keyboard.

Dear Blk_ff_nflard

You ask how effective fanning oneself with a hand ( Chinese ) fan really is in cooling one down in hot weather.

Sadly, they aren’t [effective]. The muscular exertion involved in flapping the fan will heat one up considerably more than the evaporative effects cool one down.

In fact, if you see someone using a fan, you can immediately be sure that they cannot have a true grip on the laws of physics. Most probably, economics as well.

Economics ? I hear you ask ? The reason is that the fanning only gives one a temporary ( and false ) sense that one is being cooled. Sadly, it is symptomatically reminiscent of the ‘live now – pay later’ mindset so much in vogue nowadays.

Think : credit card – debt

Of course though, if you can convince another person to fan you . . .

Dear xexing_lo

I have absolutely no idea. As far as I am aware, there have never been any serious studies into the conjecture that dogs from different counties may have ‘accents’ in their barks.

Why don’t you start one ?

Dear Asbo_gotoff

I very much enjoyed your question about ‘leadership qualities’ – which I suspect ( hope at least ) was very much tongue in cheek.

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