Eiron’s Archives 02

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My answer, of course, is that it is far preferable to buy no car at all. They are polluting, dangerous, noisy, and they are plainly responsible for the piecemeal ( but wholesale ) destruction of our pleasant environment.

I would suggest, therefore, that, if at all possible, you should as I do, and never travel anywhere to which you cannot comfortably walk, cycle, rollerskate, paraglide or swim.

Dear Token_ring_77

Token_ring_77 writes to enquire whether or not his/her GMO idea is feasible or not. The idea certainly is feasible – though I hesitate to say that it’s a good one.

Token_ring_77 points out that fishermen often use small lights to attract fish towards the line-bait. ( readers will of course be familiar with the sardine fishermen of Santorini, who are famous in this respect ) . Token_ring_77 goes on to point out that maggots ( larvae of the blowfly ) are commonly used as bait. Token_ring_77 therefore suggest that the two ideas may be combined – thereby maximising the chances of a catch. Token_ring_77’s idea is to genetically modify the maggots to glow in the dark.

Could I point out that if the maggots were allowed to hatch, then the resulting bluebottles would presumably also glow. Thereby providing entertaining ‘fire-fly’ displays around garbage containers at night-time. Even so, I am reluctant to endorse the idea – simply because it may encourage researchers to add luminescent genes to yet more animals. Where will it all end ? With us I suppose ?

[ That may cut down night-time pedestrian accidents considerably. Ed. ]

Dear pl4sterd

I am grateful for your question which brings to the forefront a very enlightening and enigmatic philosophical bifurcation. “I am beginning to worry that perhaps all technology might be intrinsically harmful ?” you posited. . .

In order to respond, I would ask you to consider the humble ‘party balloon’. A beautiful, diverting, uplifting ( Ha !), natural product ( rubber ), filled with a naturally occurring atmospheric gas ( helium ). How could such a thing cause harm to anyone ?

But, whether released intentionally or not, these seemingly innocuous baubles can stay aloft for days, and often venture over seas and oceans many miles from the point at which they were released. When they finally descend, they float on or near the surface and are frequently eaten by turtles – which erroneously surmise that the balloons are somewhat gaily coloured jellyfish.

It is estimated that many thousands of marine turtles perish every year from this man-made peril.

That is my answer.


Dear Cruisesheep.

Would like to know if I think that Windows XP™ or MacOSX™ is better. The answer is no. I do not think – about it – at all.

I would rather spend my days examining the heads of pins, or listening to paint dry, or counting the spots on bananas than consider such a subject for one moment.

See if you can find an old BBC Micro™ at a thrift shop. You may not be able to watch full-colour MPEG4’s at 29.97 fps – but you will be a much happier person in the long run. And I can guarantee that you will save time – or rather avoid wasting time – by the bucketload. Trust me.

Dear Grindwald23_terix

At last ! I was beginning to despair somewhat ! Your query re-kindled a tiny glimmer of . . . well, I think you know what I mean. You questioned whether ‘organic’ fruits and vegetables really are preferable to ‘conventionally grown’ or ‘genetically modified’ products.

Think of it this way. Every single one of your ancestors ( except perhaps the last two or three ) – going back through evolutionary time until the very first spark of life first somehow ignited on this planet – was born and raised on a diet of organic food.

Bearing in mind that every animal, plant, worm, fish, mollusc and thing that creepeth was until just recently an exclusively organic diner ( or dinner ) – and that they must have fared consistently well on it or we wouldn’t be here – I think we can perhaps jump to the conclusion that it’s OK – can’t we ?

By the way, your assertion that “ organic farming just means spraying at night ” is highly mischievous to say the least.

Dear Felt_lynx_Xtractor

You asked whether gluing a layer of aluminium foil over all the windows in your flat will help to protect you in the case of a nuclear attack.

Sadly no. In fact, aluminium is a fairly poor absorber when it comes to the kinds of radiation which you probably have in mind. Odd as it may seem, polythene is much superior – and has the added advantage of being semi-transparent to visible light – which can be a distinct advantage when used as an extra layer for windows.

I might point out, however, that you would need a layer several meters thick in order to make any significant difference to your level of protection.

Your best strategy may be to try and purchase one of the now defunct civil defence underground bunkers which come on the market from time to time. Before you part with your hard-earned cash though, you should perhaps ask yourself why the government has seen fit to sell them off ? . . . In other words, bearing in mind the not inconsiderable tax-burden which was secretly levied on the public in order to finance their construction, why would the authorities now be keen on disposing of such useful assets ?

I submit that the answer to that question lies in the word ‘useful’. We might surmise, perhaps, that they are not.

Dear Cinquemanos

Why in the name of [ ████████ ████████ ████████ ] do you suppose that I might know why ” your registry is corrupted “ ? Let me take you through a few logical steps in order to explain myself . . .

Do I know what your ‘registry’ is ? – Sadly, yes, I believe so.

Have I seen, or had personal experience of, your ‘registry’ ? – No.

Can I diagnose the problem in the total absence of any relevant information ? – No.

Do I give a [ ████████ ████████ ] ? – No.

My advice to you is to purge yourself ( and your computer ) once and for all of this wretched self-infliction by whatever means necessary.

Dear Thrunip

You enquire : “ Do dogs attract lightning ? ” .

Yes, of course they do – but no more or less than any other animal – such as yourself.

Dear aNg_42_bisc

I must say it was a Revelation ( hah ! ) to me to discover that some people have already embedded Radio Frequency Identification Devices ( RFID tags ) under their skin to gain entrance to various hi-tech club venues.

Your question though, was whether or not such a practice has any health risks. The short answer is yes – a small risk ( ‘ not much larger than a grain of rice ‘ in fact ). There is always the possibility of infection, clotting, or bruising whenever anything is injected subcutaneously.

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