Eiron’s Archives 03

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Remember, it took them four long years ( plus the R&D time ) to realise that he / it was possibly the most [ ████████ ] [ ████████ ] [ ████████ ] [ ████████ ] [ ████████ ] ever devised by humanity.

Thanks to Clippy, we can now gauge the true ‘ World-Class Level of Excellence ‘ of his / its creators.

Dear Jugs_meister

Yes, I was aware the you can spell out the words SHELL OIL if you turn your calculator upside down and enter 71077345.

In fact, so enthralled was I with the concept in general, I have had my own calculator specially modified ( by some careful rewiring of the LCD seven-segment display ) so that I can spell out GET A LIFE.

Is that any help to you ?

Dear Fctor_23

If I knew the secret of Hennessy Ellipse brandy, I most certainly would not divulge it here. Though I can reveal to you that it contains seven eaux-de-vies dating from 1800.

Personally, I do prefer Old Havana from Germain-Robin , and it’s more reasonably priced – you should not have to pay more than about €125 a bottle.

I’ve just had a couple of cases delivered as a matter of fact. Why don’t you order one ? I am confident that you won’t be disappointed.

Dear MmcOful_Nize

You enquired why water expands when it freezes whereas as most liquids contract.

I would have thought that the answer was self evident – but nonetheless I will extrapolate it for you.

If phase-transitional water did not expand in this way then ice would not have a lower density than liquid water. Thus ice would not float. It would sink to the bottom of the oceans, rivers and lakes, and thus would cause such catastrophic meteorological changes – think: ocean currents, reduced sunlight reflection at the poles, etc etc – that it would be highly unlikely that you would be here to ask the question.

Furthermore, ice cubes would not float in a whiskey glass – thus making life unbearable anyway.

Dear NVwlsPls

Your e-mail raised the question ( again ) as to whether or not viruses are alive.

That depends, of course, on your definition of ‘life’.

It’s hard to think of any other entity which cannot ‘move’, ‘reproduce’, ‘eat’, ‘respire’, or interact in any meaningful way with anything unless it’s inside the cell of another creature.

So there’s not much with which to compare viruses.

I would conject that they are no more living things than is the computer virus which you have on your hard drive. And no, I didn’t click on the attachment. Ha!

Dear JiKnaff_909_broke

Ganglionic depolarizing agents ? Do not go there.

Dear Kitch_n_devour

Thank you for sending me the candidate ‘ black hole ’. I would be the last one wishing to disappoint, but, after detailed analysis, I must inform you that the matchbox contained what I believe to be a small speck of ‘carbon-black’ – a.k.a. soot.

It does, at first glance, indeed appear to have at least one of the properties of a ‘black hole’ – in that it is extremely black. It reflects almost no light. (0.003%)

A quick calculation revealed to me however, that despite its very small size, had it really been a ‘black hole’ it would have had a mass ( weight ) of around 280,000,000 tonnes. Thus, I was fairly confident from the outset that the matchbox could not contain one – as the postman did not seem to be unduly struggling as he brought the package to the door of my office / lab.

Good luck with your search.

Dear nbnbIfink

I am sorry to report that I have absolutely no idea “ what chemical reaction turns grilled chicken blue “. Perhaps if you gave me a little more detail ? Are you sure it’s chicken ? Are you sure you’re grilling it ? Are you still taking the medication ?

Dear JooKlath_n_anny

It is an interesting question – albeit one which has been asked many, many, many, times before by philosophers and late-night imbibers all the world over – “ How do I know I’m not dreaming all this ?

I may point out to you though, that if it were indeed the case that all of ‘reality’ was in fact a figment of your dreaming mind, then this reply would also be a nebulous non-entity.

I can, however, assure you that I am indeed sitting here and wasting my time responding to your query – and, believe me, the feeling of boredom is indeed 100% realistic at my end.

Although I admire your inquisitiveness, I must inform you that I flatly refuse to believe that I am a figment of your imagination – in fact, I am more inclined to wonder whether perhaps you are a figment of mine ?

Dear lNCremzalout_24Hrs

I am concerned to hear that you have inherited a large deposit of raw diamonds – with which you require assistance to move from a bank vault in Lagos.

I much appreciate your offer of a 30% ‘ brokerage fee ’, but regretfully, I cannot assist you in receiving funds to my Bermuda account – otherwise, I would of course be delighted to send you my address, account numbers, blood group, card details, and p.i. numbers. ( note that I did not make the same common tautological error as you made in your communication – by saying p.i.n. numbers )

But honestly ! My d.o.b. ? Are you out of your mind ? What impertinence ! Please [ ████████ ] your diamonds [ ████████ ][ ████████ ][ ████████ ].

Dear Qublath

Yes, I can inform you that silencers for small handguns are, indeed, very effective. A good silencer will achieve a muzzle noise reduction of around 30dB. ( If you are not sure what a 30dB reduction represents, noise-wise, then just place your portable radio inside your refigerator and shut the door. )

I can recommend though, that nearly all firearms come supplied with an even more effective silencing device – called the safety catch. My advice is, leave it on – permanently.

Dear Tykintehpark

You enquire as to real-world practical uses of probability theory. I can assure you that probabilistic functions are of enormous value. For instance, you may wonder whether it would be theoretically possible for an everyday object – say, for example, a book – to be able to pass completely through a wall without damage. We could ask ‘ is there any provision within the known laws of physics which would demand that such an event is not possible ? ‘ And the answer would be no.

We could also ask, however, is it likely that such an event would occur ? And the answer would, again, be a resounding no.

I personally use probability theory as an everyday mental tool, and I can assure you that it is utterly invaluable. ( mostly )

Dear bloopa_411.

No. As far as I am aware, there is no such thing as a low-fat pork scratching. If you are, as you claim, ‘addicted’ to pork scratchings, I thoroughly recommend that you urgently seek out some other (light) form of fast-food snack as a replacement. Failing that, I must warn you that you may be on a downward path to the pork-scratching rehab clinic. Which may well involve a period of cold turkey.

Dear blink_and_8134_underLyme

There can be no “ cures for facial asymmetry “. Facial asymmetry is not a disease – therefore it cannot be in need of a cure. Why are you obsessed with bilateral symmetry anyway ? Is a rose bilaterally symmetrical ? Is a beautiful sunset bilaterally symmetrical ?

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