Eiron’s Archives 03

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You must overcome this childish preference and learn to see beauty in the asymmetric.

p.s. I have just opened the photograph of your good self which was sent as an attachment to your query. I am willing to concede .

Dear yuffflapsid

I’m not sure how to answer your query about “ methods of hiding electricity pylons ”. There are, of course, numerous techniques currently in use to hide cellphone relay masts. But they are far smaller. An electricity pylon can reach an astonishing 150 mtrs ! so it is a little difficult to imagine any method by which such a structure could be disguised – let alone hidden.

I do, nonetheless, thoroughly understand your motivation, since they are possibly the ugliest technological fix so far invented by the human race. They are, however, considerably cheaper than sub-ground high-tension cabling.

Cheap and Ugly . . .

C’est la vie, mon brave . . .

Reminds one of [████████] does it not ! Ha !

Dear klonarrbiter

You asked about “ iliteracy rates in Birmingham UK “. I regret that I am unable to assist, because my dictionary does not list the word “ iliteracy “.

Are you a Birmingham resident yourself ?

Dear trattor_88

You enquired “ How much does polythene weigh ? “.

That would depend on the size of the piece of polythene.

Next !

Dear Llan_fair

You asked “ the person who discovered Saturn ? “ .

Unknown. Since anyone with reasonable vision has been able to see the planet Saturn with the naked eye ( since the very beginning of human history ) , I think it may be some time before we find out.

Next !

Dear YY_o_look_ a_fridge

Your query was “ is there proof that we share half our genes with the banana ?

I believe so. But it may be a slip-up.

Next !

Dear Unbafker

You wondered about “ the effects of UV radiation on cave bacteria “.

There was no UV radiation in the cave until you unhelpfully appeared with your flashlight. Even then, thankfully, there was so little as to be insignificant. Therefore : effects = negligible.

Next !

Dear Harold0btain

You pondered “ who can check me for illegally implanted devices ?

Would I be correct in assuming that you are wondering if someone may have ‘ illegally implanted a device ’ into your good self ? Are you by any chance thinking perhaps about ‘ aliens ’ – as in ‘ aliens from other worlds ‘ ? If so, take my advice and consult a psychiatric practitioner. Alternatively, move to Idaho.

Next !

[ Can we drop the ‘Next !’ tag please ? Thanks. Ed. ]

Dear Igggloes

I am sorry to say that I cannot help you with a list of “ famous Dutch arthritis sufferers”. In fact, I can be perfectly candid with you and say that, until your query, I had never realised that there was such a condition as ‘Dutch arthritis’.

I am fairly astonished to hear that an illness such as arthritis would in any way respect geo-political boundaries, though I am prepared to countenance that perhaps a difference in the Dutch lifestyle may contribute to such a syndrome.

Purely as a matter of conjecture, I could perhaps suggest that the constant dampness incurred by living in an area substantially below sea-level may contribute ? Or maybe an excess of bicycling ?

If I accrue any further information I will let you know.

Dear Anonymous.

Please will you refrain from the constant questioning regarding “ How to raise minnows “.

I will point out, for the last time, that minnows do not need our assistance to raise themselves. As a species, they were extant here on Earth long before we were – thus it is therefore self-evident that they managed perfectly happily without our help.

Forget aout them.

Dear knuck_008_lhee

The question which you raise is one that has puzzled hydrologists for centuries. I do not pretend to know the answer, but can fairly confidently say that no-one else does either.

You are entirely correct to draw attention to the mystery of the vast difference in tide levels at opposite sides of the Atlantic. As far as I am aware, the location with the greatest difference between high and low tide ( 16 mtrs or so ) is at Burntcoat Head, Nova Scotia. Yet, at the other side of the very same ocean, at say, Madeira , the tide is a mere 2.5 mtrs.

The causes of which, I think, could rightly be described as a puzzle wrapped in a conundrum within an enigma.

Worse to come. I haven’t mentioned the so-called ‘ Sea Level Anomaly ’ whereby the ‘height’ of the various oceans ( averaged over the years ) varies by over 1 mtr across the globe ! Contrary to the common parlance then, the sea, is not, therefore, level . . .

It goes without saying that there are various ‘explanations’ – all of which are plainly lacking in solidity. The Moon’s gravitational pull is, of course, exactly the same at any point on a given latitude – though the tide levels can vary enormously. So why the tide variation ?

My personal conjecture is a simple one – is it not possible that the water in different parts of the ocean simply weighs more at some points than it does at others ? There could be more salt dissolved in the water perhaps ? Or a plethora of fish or other marine organisms ? This weight-difference would of course account for differing gravitational pulls – hence the variation in tide levels.

As I mentioned though, I simply don’t know.

Dear Huxfnl3ss

No, I cannot offer any ‘ scientific explanation of doppelgangers ’.

No, I cannot offer any ‘ scientific explanation of doppelgangers ’.

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