Eiron’s Archives 04

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I know of course that this is contrary to the guidance of several million years-worth of evolution – for presumably, in the past, when we moved around on all-fours, it was expedient – now, however, it is most emphatically not.

It won’t be easy to train yourself not to swing your arms, but I feel that it will be well worth the effort – may I suggest that during training sessions you use a goodly supply of duct tape to securely fasten them to your sides ? Don’t worry about how you will look – I‘ll wager that the detractors will soon change their tune when you start coming in first for every race !

Dear Mit4gator

Your query :

“ Will I be able to sell electricity back to the grid while my hydrogen fuel-cell car is parked in the garage ? “

has all the logic and foresight of a man who asks :

“ Can I pick myself up with my own bootlaces ? “

Even if the hydrogen which you’ll be using is extracted from water using a ‘green’ energy source ( which it won’t be – it will come from coal/gas/oil ) then consider the following chain of events.

Electricity is used to ‘split’ the H2 from water. The hydrogen is then transported ( by road ) to a filling station near you. You fill up your vehicle with H2 and run the fuel cell whilst the car is not in use for transport ( typically over 90% of the time ). The electricity which you generate is then sold back to the grid.

Spot any anomalies ? Any pleasingly circular blind-em-with-science corporate scam opportunities ? Any hydrogen bootlaces ?

Dear nxuejgzoge

You ask : “ What can I say to my nextdoor neighbour, who keep telling me that I’m obese ? “

Well, how about something along the lines of :

“ Yes, I think it’s because every time I sleep with your wife she gives me a biscuit “.

Dear Qwill_pointa

You enquired : “ I have recently discovered that I can run my diesel car on cooking oil – so, conversely, can I also cook with diesel fuel ? ”

And the answer is ‘ yes of course you can ! ’ In fact there are many manufacturers of diesel-powered cookers – I have one aboard my yacht, and it’s never yet failed.

Ahhhh. My editor has just alerted me to the fact that your question has a second possible meaning. And I must warn you that replacing the oil in your deep fat fryer for diesel, is, by definition, the kind of thing that one would do only once in a lifetime.

Dear Occiment_55

Yes, I have heard that broken bones often mend in such a way that they are indeed stronger than they originally were. In the same way, in metal fittings which are welded together, the weld is often the strongest part. I would very strongly discourage you though from entertaining the idea that one could slowly improve one’s skeletal strength in the somewhat extreme way which you envisage. Have you thought about acquiring an exoskeleton instead ? [ Google for “ bleex ” ]

Dear LinkLuster

No, a ‘fish eye’ camera-lens is not so-called because “ it lets us see things like a fish does “. To the best of my knowledge, no-one has ever successfully looked through a fish’s eye, and, even if they had, they would still have no way of knowing how the neurological processes in the fish’s brain would ‘render’ the image. That is to say, there could well be neural mechanisms which would compensate for the extremely wide field-of-view inherent in fish-eye optics, and give a perfectly flat, and undistorted, image – from the fish’s perceptual point of view. I fear we shall never know.

Dear GreatD4ne

You may, or may not, be interested to know that you have stumbled upon what is commonly known as the Sorites paradox.

When you ask of me “ Are you going bald ? “ it is equivalent to asking “ How many grains of sand does it take to make a heap ? “

Allow me to illustrate :

Are three grains a heap ? What about a hundred ? And a thousand ? Conversely, if one were to begin removing – grain by grain – the sand grains from a sandheap, exactly when does it cease to be one ( a heap that is ) ?

D’you see the answer ?

If you can, do let me know please.

Dear MagLoit6Ypq

What in the fetid moniker of Beelzebub do you think you are up to ? This is the fourth time that you have contacted me for a psychological definition of déja vu. I think. Or is it ?


Dear JaBriq

I’m sorry to hear that you sustained an injury to your finger due to over-enthusiastic clapping at a theatrical event. It had never before occurred to me that applause could directly endanger one’s health. I do not think however that it would be worth pursuing the matter in the courts. You would have little chance of gaining damages, and you should bear in mind that such an action could be detrimental to society as a whole – by encouraging others to go to the same production ( the name of which will inevitably surface during the proceedings ) and risk injury themselves.

Dear Nublaster

No, an upturned colander worn on the head will not in any way protect you from ‘space rays’. The theoretical foundation is quite literally full of holes. With respect, any fool knows that space rays can easily permeate through small orifices. I suggest you try ‘cooking foil’, bespoke-fashioned by a competent milliner – or, even better, gold foil ( granted, it’s rather pricy – but probably much more effective – and , as I’m sure you can imagine, it’s far more snazzy too )

Dear Jaba_12_knote

Yes, I greatly sympathize when you ask “ How can I avoid getting stressed-out ? “. Bearing in mind the ever increasing pace of life, and the constantly broadening access to ever more depressing news, it is little wonder than many feel that they are becoming mentally overburdened.

Now, sadly, I cannot offer you any solution – I can however, let you know what I tend to do in such circumstances – that is to say, by means of the utilisation of what I call my ‘ patience pills ’.

A mixture of 250 mg of [ ███████ ] and 35µg of [ ███████ ] does the trick admirably. Personally, I like to dissolve a couple of them in a stiff g&t, and I find that I shortly become quite extraordinarily patient. Last week, for example, I telephoned my bank, and was able to sustain a conversation with them for well over one and a half minutes (!) before slamming the phone down on the imbeciles !

Update : My dear editor has asked me to point out that the foregoing methodology should not be recommended under any circumstances, and that I should perhaps suggest ‘ meditation instead of medication ‘.

To which my reply is [ ███████ ].

Dear StarMann

Thank you so much for letting me know that there will be an eclipse of star-cluster alpha312_N2 in the Orion Nebula this weekend.

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