Eiron’s Archives 04

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Regrettably though, I don’t have a 12 inch reflector.

And, actually, I have a prior engagement this weekend – much as I would love to sit on the roof of my apartment through the night with a blanket and a Thermos™ of Okra Gumbo.

Dear GK_chesnut

Firstly, let me express my gratitude to you for introducing me to the word ‘ inadequativity ‘ , I confess that I hadn’t come across it before, but, now that I have, I shall use it whenever the occasion demands. Very many thanks.

Secondly, yes, it is true that whales do sometimes wrestle with giant squid in the depths of the oceans. Although the gargantuan struggle has never been observed, whales’ hides often bear circular scars which may well have originated from presumably unwelcome engagement with the hugely fearsome ‘suckers’ on a giant squid’s ‘ arms ‘.

How or why these awesome skirmishes come about we can only surmise. Or, rather, you can surmise. I do not wish to surmise about it at present. Please do feel free though to surmise as much as you feel appropriate on my behalf.

Inadequativity eh ? Capital !

Dear AubreyBlossfeldt

I wonder if by any chance you might be one and the same Aubrey Blossfeldt with whom I had the pleasure of spending a good deal of my schooling years ?

The degree of intellectual vacuity displayed by your query leads me to believe that perhaps you might well be, in which case then, in answer to your question, [ ███████ ] [ ███████ ].

If you are not that A.B. , then very many apologies, try replacing the battery.

Dear golkenspeel

You asked “ What would happen to rubbish disposal on a trip to Mars ? “ , and, if I may say so, a highly pertinent question it is too.

Unfortunately, I do not have an answer at this juncture. If I were so bold as to hazard a guess though, I would plump for the ‘chuck it overboard’ theory. I base my guesswork on what happens to the bulk of the rubbish generated by the International Space Station.

Odd isn’t it ? We (almost) have the technology to send astronauts to Mars and back, yet we still [ ███████ ] on our own galactic doorstep so to speak.

Dear axegroinder

You enquired “ How long will a chicken carcass last in a freezer ? “ to which my reply will be – for a very, very, very, long time – centuries probably ( even if the electricity gets cut off ).

Surprised ? Well, had you asked, “ How long will a chicken carcass in a freezer remain edible ? “ then my answer would have been considerably shorter.

Dear Not_found_404.

I can’t tell you how glad I was to receive your enquiry regarding Henrik Ibsen’s least-known plays.

By utter co-incidence ( well, actually, allright, in truth, no – I’ve been waiting quite some time for an opportunity to use your question ) my favourite venue – the charming little ‘ Ciba ’ theatre at Lucerne, overlooking lake Geneva – is currently staging a production of ‘ When We Dead Awaken ‘ (1899)

As I am sure you will know, that the play is about Professor Arnold Rubek, a sculptor, and one of his former models who has recently suffered a mental breakdown. I have heard not a little misplaced criticism regarding the play, asserting that it’s even more depressing than some of his others – which is, of course, the reason that the Ciba decided to stage this production on ice, with a musical accompaniment.

I simply adore the triple entêndre, don’t you ?

Oh . . . my editor has telephoned to say that I must concentrate on the scientific and technical aspects. So, ummm, I expect you might be wondering how they make the ice-rink stay frozen ?

Google it why don’t you.

Pax vobiscum !

Dear bloogerliser

I think you would stand more chance of extracting meaningful information from a late-night conversation with a remissive comatose aardvark than from just about any ‘online-survey’.

You must ask yourself this – what incentive is there for the ‘interviewee ‘ to fill in the web-based form sensibly and accurately ? I would submit to you that by far the most likely incentive anyone could have, would be to idly amuse themselves by filling up the form with utter vacuous fiddle-faddle.

Of course, I concede that there may always be a very small percentage of ‘interviewees’ who will fill in the pages accurately – so, if you were, for example, conducting a survey about trainspotting, then perhaps you might get some valuable feedback via your survey.

Good luck with your marketing career.

Dear glowwwwwurm

No, that would be a foolish and dangerous experiment. You must never allow any electrical equipment anywhere near your bathwater – even if it is battery powered.

Dear T_and_Gee46

Yes, you are quite correct. The ink for your computer printer is [ ███████ ] expensive. It would be. How do you think that the printer manufacturers make their money ? Surely you don’t think it ‘s by selling printers ?

My dear fellow ( or fellowess ) there are very many and various counter-intuitive ways to make money. Have you not heard that the major banks make a good deal of their lucre by pretending to you that cheques take three days to ‘clear’ ( so that they can invest the resulting vast swathes of cash in the meantime ). Did you not know that car-tyres can be safely re-treaded two or three times – just as truck-tyres routinely are ? Are you not aware that mustard manufacturers make nearly all of their profit from the small amount that everyone ( except me ) leaves on the side of their plate ?

Dear PhilAndEr

Many thanks indeed for sending me your extensively honed views about the extinction of the dinosaurs. It goes without saying however, that since neither you or I were extant at the time, we can only, at best, surmise. And the core foundation of your surmisement could, I believe, only be described as unasinous. You see Phil, it is unlikely, to say the least, that “ humans hunted them to extinction and ate them all “.

How can I be so confident on this matter ?

Firstly, the fossil records show that no humans, or anything vaguely resembling them was alive at the time. And secondly, birds – which are, to all intents and purposes, from my point of view at least ‘ living dinosaurs ‘ – did survive ; even though many people find them remarkably tasty and nutritious.

Dear zIngZibra

Yes, of course I am familiar with the phrase ‘ reptilian hot buttons ‘ . If you are unsure as to its origins, I suggest you ‘Google’ it.

Actually, I can’t say that I’m overly enamoured with the concept, in fact I find it distinctly jejune, preferring instead my own conjectures regarding what I like to call ‘ epiphysial operants ’.

You see, we can delve far deeper into the human psyche than the idea of vestigial reptilan behaviour – and consider instead the effects of the pineal body – and how it might be manipulated – with regard to brand management.

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