Eiron’s Archives 04

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The key to it all is : the third eye dear boy, the third eye. The rest is fluffy supposition.

Dear bpw_24_nat

I believe I may be able to put your mind at rest. Myxophobia is, in my opinion, a perfectly tolerable condition – if indeed it could even be described as one. Being ‘afraid of slimy things’ probably served an exceedingly useful purpose at some stage in our deep and distant ancestry.

You should not be concerned at all – unless you were thinking of taking up [███████] as a career, or becoming a member of the [███████] party. In either case, I recommend urgent psychological therapy.

Dear iPlswich

Thanks indeed for sending me the copy of your book. I must tell you that I am not really a great enthusiast of ‘ Slate quarries of 16th century Belgium ‘ though ultimately I did find the book extremely helpful. My dining-room table has one leg which is a little short.

Dear aaNcorWatt_6

I regret that I cannot advise you on the “ correct quantity of salt to eat each day “ .You see, it would entirely depend on how much salt your body already contains. If you are salt-deficient ( as some are who live in the tropics ), then you should eat more. On the other hand, if you get too much in your diet, you should try to cut down a little. The United Kingdom’s government guidelines currently recommend 6g. per day. But frankly, I fail to see how this figure is arrived at. It clearly depends on so many factors. For example, the ambient temperature, your level of physical activity, and, not least of course, your size.

6g. plainly cannot be the right amount for both a retired racing jockey in Ireland and a touring Sumo wrestler in Singapore, now can it ?

Dear singon_66

I am not a search engine, I am a free man I am a human being. So your query, formatted thus   : problems associated human eye-smoking :   had me greatly perplexed for some time.

At first, I thought that you may be referring to an intriguing anthropological ritual amongst some long lost cannibalistic tribe with which I was not familiar.

But now I realise that you were just wondering about the considerably more irritating subject of tobacco.

Dear Zanthist_oop

Another puzzle : You enquired regarding “ a design for a homemade sceptic tank. “

I doubt very much indeed that such a thing could ever function as required.

Dear Eskammo

I really do hope that your lexical dexterity is wanting, and that “ my entitlemant to xmas boners ? “ was an enquiry as to the legal requirements for employers to contribute to your, ahem, Christmas box ?

That would depend upon where you live. In some civilised countries, such as Brazil for example, employers, by law, must pay their workers a so-called 13th salary. In stingy Britain, there is, needless to say, no such relevant legislation.

Dear Y9e8t9f9bv

I strongly disagree, and must emphasise, I do not, in any way, agree with your statement, that, with regard to this column at least, I ” keep using too many commas “. I am keenly aware of the power, utility, and affability of the comma, and also of potential misinterpretational vacuua which can, in my opinion, be caused by its lack. I shall, therefore, be continuing with it – full stop.

Dear adBirt

Plasma TV screens ? Normally useless above 2000 metres I’m afraid. Get a smaller LCD and sit closer to it.

Dear tyndalf

Yes, of course I am aware of the Travelling Salesman Problem, and yes, I did know that “ it’s been puzzling mathematicians for decades “.

Frankly though, I do not see why.

The solution is perfectly straightforward. The first town to visit is the one with the best coffeeshop. In the middle of the course, one should contrive one’s itinerary so as to be handy for the most pleasant restaurant. The last town of the day should be the one with the best hotel.

Now tell me, please, what is so difficult about it ?

Dear Dr_Sniglar

I do not relish the rôle as a bringer of bad news, but I must tell you that, yes, there is a distinct possibility that termites and woodworm will eventually eat into your MDF furniture.

So I am sorry indeed ( for more than one reason ) to hear that you have just stocked your entire ‘bedsit’ with new furniture from [ ███████ ].

For future reference, you should always buy furniture made from tropical hardwoods which contain natural oils which deter pests – Indonesian Teak for example, or Brazilian Peroba.

Of course, it will (alas) be almost impossible nowadays to find a source of such timber which is honestly ‘farmed’ in an ecologically friendly way.

Thus, you must buy second-hand rather than new. Fortunately, various auction houses have regular sales of excellent quality antique hardwood furniture with which you can stylishly equip your abode.

Dear jj_kaykay

Let me first assure you that I have given your sleuth-like talents all the attention which they deserve. And thank you for sending me the interesting video.

The fact that I have absolutely no recollection of the event portrayed, does lead me to wonder though, if it is indeed my good self featuring as lead proponent in the recording.

Further, given that I have had several name changes and some plastic surgery over the years, that may perhaps explain why none of the individuals concerned looks remotely like me or is referred to by my name ?

As a last check, I did run my computer though my entire credit card transaction database, and it appears that I have never stayed in any ‘motel’ – at any time, ever, anywhere. Indeed ( though not wishing in any way to negatively reflect upon your own preferences for temporary lodgings ), I am not really a ‘motel’ sort of individual.

On reflection then, no, it is not me at all.

Best of luck with your ‘hobby’.

Dear p.b.Loughbro

I must endeavour to strongly discourage you from undertaking any practical research into the phenomenon. Please just take it from me that, yes, they do run about the farmyard for some considerable time afterwards. This is an enigma of some concern to neurologists who are wont to insist that the brain is necessarily the ultimate command centre of all high-level motor activity.

I encourage you instead to closely observe the behaviour of the ‘leaders’ who are presently ‘governing’ our world. I think you will find it difficult not to come to the conclusion that, in a considerable number of cases, a lack of cerebral neurones does not appear to impede their ability to successfully scrabble their way to the top of the [ ███████ ] heap.

Dear 2642_klinkerbilt_dave

I have trawled back through my archives, and was astonished to find that I have not covered this question before. It seems that I haven’t, so I will reply thus :

No, glass is not a super-cooled liquid.

And no, it will not ‘flow’ under gravity ( at normal ambient temperature ) no matter how long you leave it.

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