Eiron’s Archives 06

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[ With kind regards to The Right Honourable Joseph Addison, c. 1709 ]

Dear j4zzyH4ndler

Regarding urban apiary. There are a now a considerable number of urban beekeepers. In central London for example – though few people notice them. There are even some hives atop the Bank of England ! And Hamburg hosts more than 2000 bee colonies. Some urban beekeepers go as far as to sell their produce – take for instance a favourite of mine, Rooftop Magic Honey, made in Brooklyn, Bronx, and Manhattan, NY. It has a highly distinctive taste – maybe it’s all the [ ███████].

Oddly perhaps, the bees seem more than at home in the concrete jungle. At present, it might almost be said that they are thriving better than their country cousins.

In fact I like to imagine them oneday developing into the pigeon of the insect world – though considerably more productive of course.

Dear DeeCreach889

I very much enjoyed your simple yet poignant query ‘ Where did all the water come from ? ‘

Most people will never have pondered such a question, and, if they have, I am confident that that they will not have been able to come up with a satisfactory answer. The puzzle is all the more intriguing in that it is evident that the early life of planet Earth was very hot indeed. Hot enough to melt granite for example. For many millions of years. I need hardly point out that any quantity of water would have felt most uncomfortable in such an environment.

And yet it is here. 1,460,000,000,000,000 tonnes ( or so ) of it.

If you, or anyone else, can work out a provable explanation as to its origin(s), the scientific community ( and I ) would love to hear from you.

Dear Cart0r10

I warmly recommend that you continue your independent researches into ‘ randomness ‘ and ‘ perturbation theory ’.
You have probably discovered by now that a certain amount of random ‘ noise ‘ is crucial to the correct functioning of many systems. That is to say, mechanical, computational, biological, social, and even political systems. It is noticeable though, that in the majority of cases the degree of noise has to be just right. Too little and the system stalls, too much and it is overwhelmed.

That is the basis of my Goldilocks Dither Theory, which I am currently consolidating.

As an aside, I have an acquaintance who puts random perturbations to artistic use as well. He produces crayon-drawings, but always seated at the back of a bus – preferably navigating a bumpy road. Over the years he has produced quite a ream of his ‘ bus drawings ‘ – made during his travels in several different countries ( interestingly, with significantly different results ). They remind one of Pollocks.

Dear Motzerall4

I regret that I am unable to answer your question. I am comforted though, in my view that no-one else will be able to answer it either.

To hedge your bets and be on the safe side, perhaps you should purchase a fire-proof suit and start learning the harp ?

Dear LostTribeofBayswater

Had you tried, perhaps you might even have been able to deduce the answer to your question yourself – simply from the name. A Spark Plug is designed, of course, to plug sparks. Would you want high tension electrical discharges leaping about all over your manifold ? That would be positively dangerous don’t you think ? Thankfully, if your car-engine has the plugs correctly installed there won’t be a bright spark anywhere in your vicinity.

Dear Abricojh3

Yes, yes, of course I have heard the old chestnut about which is heavier, a kilo of lead or a kilo of feathers. Smug as the jokesters might be, the two ‘ kilos’ will almost certainly differ in weight ! Depending on various factors.

For example, according to their global latitude. The ‘ pull ‘ ( away from the Earth’s surface ) caused by the planet’s spinning motion is considerably stronger at the equator than it is towards the poles. Further complicated though by the fact that the globe itself is rather ‘ fatter ‘ at the equator too ( for the same reasons ) , thus there is more ‘ mass ‘ under one’s feet there, and so of course gravity is stronger.

The weight would also depend on the ‘ height ‘ at which one’s kilo is stored. A ‘ kilo ‘ stored at sea level will weigh more than the same ‘ kilo’ on a mountain top. If you find this hard to grasp, imagine that the mountain is extraordinarily high – so high in fact that the top is in space. I’m sure you will appreciate that the Earth’s gravitational pull will be far lower there.

I could go on at some length – for there are other reasons too for weight discrepancies. In short though, remember this – weight – like so many other things <sigh . . .> is not nearly as precise as most assume, and as one might wish. . .

As an aside, if you are like me, you will probably find it both amusing and enlightening to replay a similar discussion with your local greengrocer on your next visit . . .

Dear JohnoThe12th

I don’t quite see what one has to do with the other. But yes, I do think that eight double espressos per day is perhaps overdoing things a little. In response to your supplementary question, I suggest that you make it a golden rule to wear carpet slippers at all times. This will ensure that any caving activities are next to impossible, or at the very least extremely uncomfortable.

[ I think he might have meant to say ‘ how can I cut down on my craving ? ‘ Ed. ]

Dear ac37hh3796

I hope I am not going to disappoint you, or disuade you from possible future business endeavours, but money laundering certainly is considered a crime in most cilvilised countries.

Though I am sure it will not have escaped your notice that money soiling, as a general rule, is not.


Dear wUchu66

Yes, you are quite right to be concerned about the energy wastage incurred by imbibing cold drinks.

My calculations have revealed that you will use something in the order of 8 kcal to raise your body temperature back to normal after downing just one chilled drink.

Not only that, but creating the chilled drink in the first place – by the use of a mechanical chilling apparatus – will have also consumed a considerable quantity of energy.

It should be remembered though that the same energy inefficiency calculations can be leveled against hot drinks too !

To sum up, you should always strive to drink liquids at ambient temperature – where, in the best possible scenario, the ambient temperature is at 36.8 °C.

Dear Garahe347

The answer to your question “ Why doesn’t my [ ███████ ] spreadsheet work properly ? “ is very straightforward.

Humans are next-to-hopeless when it comes to constructing software. Hardware though, we are very good at. Take for example, an antique piano, built by mankind, with humblest of tools, a couple of hundred years ago or so, and yet the intricacies of which are truly amazing. Or perhaps an 85 storey hotel block in Kuala Lumpur – the chances are very high that there will be very little wrong with it. It works, it looks good, and it’s safe.

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