Eiron’s Archives 06

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Perhaps next time, switch departments, and contact ‘ entomology ‘ rather than ‘ etymology ‘.

Dear KraKtter

Many thanks for reminding me of the practice of [ ███████ ] [ ███████ ] [ ███████ ] via [ ███████ ] [ ███████] [ ███████ ] which the Hagahi tribespeople of New Guinea allegedly undertake every 34th new moon.

I admit that, had you not sent that quite extraordinary photo, I would probably have still believed that it was not anatomically possible. However, please do not make the mistake ( as so many do ) of assuming that just because something is ‘ possible ‘ that does not, by any means, imply – let alone ensure – that it’s also a ‘ good idea ‘.

I must insist too, that the practice should not be dismissed as a solely physical process. The Hagahi spend many months of psychological preparation for such an event, believing ( in my view correctly ) that the relevant mental poise should be perfected before even thinking about doing it.

I suggest, then, that you don’t.

Dear OlkA4Ish

You asked “ How long should I cook chicken to make sure it’s perfectly done ? “
I think that you could get the basics in the first couple of days. To become an expert perhaps a month or two. And to achieve perfection ( like, for example, Bruno at La Galetto, Firenze ) then almost a lifetime.

Dear KatB0ll

No, your philosophical tenet that “ One should live every day as though it were one’s last “ is highly questionable.

You mean to spend every day in bed hooked up to plastic tubes and drifting in and out of lucidity ?

Not for me I’m afraid.

Dear Leftrigg

You may be surprised to learn that the Hippopotamus, far from being the, ahem , ‘ cuddly creature ‘ which you describe – is actually fearsomely dangerous. I would have thought that one look into the mouth of a yawning hippo would be quite enough to convince one of their truly formidable jaw-power. And this is very strongly coupled with what a management guru might call ‘ focussed assertiveness ‘ ( or, if you prefer social-psychology-speak, an ‘ attitude problem ‘ ) . In short, perturb them at your peril. Let sleeping hippos lie Leftrigg, let them lie. [ shouldn’t that be umm . . . ‘ semi-float ’ ? Ed. ]

Dear Drive77Pen

Yes of course there is a scientific way to identify forged paintings. Bearing in mind that it is estimated that more than one third of all the ‘ grand masters ‘ in blue-chip galleries across the world are in fact fakes, it beggars belief that the technique is not ( to my knowledge at least ) in use yet.

I am of course speaking of DNA.

How likely would it be that a famous artist would work away for days, weeks, or even months on end – covered in paint, varnish, gesso etc etc – without at least one hair, eyelash, or even a speck of his/her dandruff sticking to the work in question ? Now, all that is required is for the galleries / authorities to carefully examine the old masters to retrieve such cellular detritus and have it analyzed – viz. DNA ‘ fingerprinted ‘. Thus, with relative ease, a database could be built of the ‘ DNA fingerprints ‘ of all the master artists. And so, whenever a new ( or suspect ) work turns up, it would be scrutinized, a fleck of skin-flake or hair found, which is then matched against the artist’s DNA profile.

By the way, I strongly suggest that current high-profile artists deliberately stick a few of their cells ( a cotton-bud cheek-swab will do nicely ) to the back of every work they produce. Far more secure than a signature.

Dear MaskTroutReplicant

I’m not sure whether someone may have put you up to this, so I shall give you the benefit of the doubt, and inform you politely that I will not give any further information whatsoever on the breeding of minnows. And that is my final, last, ultimate, and definitively concluding word on the subject.
[ Oh good. Ed. ]

Dear Cicadallowed

You asked “ I can transfer money from one account to the other straight away using my internet bank account. But when I pay my credit card, it takes three days to arrive – why’s that ? ”

The answer lies in the physical distance that the accounts are away from each other. When you transfer money between different accounts at your own bank branch, the accounts are actually very close to each other – almost touching in fact. But the credit-card company is often an entirely different department – sometimes situated many miles away. Now, the electrons which the banks use for initiating and maintaining long-distance financial electronic connections are special ‘ secure electrons ‘ – which are necessarily much heavier and more cumbersome than ‘ordinary’ ones – and hence travel far less quickly. So, of course, time delays can become much more significant when the transaction is operating over a large(ish) distance.

That is why the electronic message – from your bank to the credit card company – can take up to three days to arrive, and then be unpacked, decrypted, checked, verified, confirmed, and operated upon.

Either that, or your bank just instantly transfers your money to one of their own accounts for three days ( with all the other millions of payments ) and earns a nice juicy fat interest on it ( without your permission ).

Dear OpenSauce24

I like your question regarding where one should live ( given the choice ) in order to minimize one’s carbon footprint.

It goes without saying that living in a very cold climate is very carbon-heavy due to all the heating that is required. Living in the tropics also carries a substantial carbon-penalty ( unless you can live without air conditioning ). Thus a compromise is suggested. My own rule of thumb is that you won’t go far wrong if you can choose as your domicile an area where the locals routinely produce olive oil.

Dear 3254hsyk77

Enquired : “ What is the ratio of male comodo dragons to female dragons? “ What ratio ? Length ? Weight ? Number of legs ? IQ ? I need more data. Please resubmit your query.

Dear pLanFatson

You want to know : “ What take stomik acid away ? “ I am not at all sure if I have understood you correctly, but could I point out that without ‘ stomik acid ‘ you would find that digesting your favourite [ ███████ ] burgers, fries, and double latte smoothie would ( likely ) be very troublesome indeed.

Dear Tommy_notacult

I am rather concerned to hear of your discovery that “ Mt. Etna in Sicily is actually a cover for a squadron of alien spacecraft which is awaiting orders to ‘ sanitize ’ the entire planet. “

I had assumed that it was just an ordinary volcano. May I say though that your idea to build an alien-proof bunker under your house could prove to be an expensive inverted folly ?

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