Eiron’s Archives 07

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However, ‘They’ only know where you’re phone is – not where ‘you’ are. Your best strategy, therefore, is to separate yourself from your mobile by as much distance as possible. This can be achieved in a number of ways. A small separation, say three metres or so, can be obtained simply with a long earpiece cable, and a thin stick with which to prod the buttons on your phone. You don’t need to buy a long mic cable as well, just shout !

Personally though, I prefer a more substantial distance of several thousand Kilometres. As I have mentioned elsewhere in this column, I keep my mobile at my bank’s vault. It so happens that I tend to use the Bank of Bermuda, ( which is conveniently situated in the main city, Hamilton.) If, on rare occasion, I see fit to make a call, I simply fax the manager there with details of whom I want to call, and what I want to say, he then kindly makes the call on my behalf. What could be simpler ?

Dear ‘notworthy’

You should change your screename to ‘noteworthy’! Your question had me beaten for a while, but I managed to accrue the information you require.

The U.K.’s auction of ‘3G’ bandwidth raised just under £35Billion for ‘Prudence’ Brown. That’s enough to knock 20p off income tax – for everyone – for a year. The lottery was a complex affair, with some hundreds of bidding rounds, sent in by fax. Apparently, some of the ‘winners’ of the auction, like B.T. have been complaining recently that they paid too much ! What uncommonly bad-sports ! Normally when you buy something at an auction, you don’t complain afterwards that you bid too high.

Perhaps they’re miffed at having to fork out for the right to use, what is, after all, just a part of the electromagnetic spectrum. If the argument was taken to it’s absurd extreme, and the frequencies in the bands keep increasing as they have been, the government could end up selling space in the nanometer waveband. In which case, I fully intend to bid for my favourite shade of blue / green. (specifically 26,189,137 RGB )

Dear ‘quail23’

Yes, I do have a mobile phone. Why not do as I do, and keep it safely locked away in your bank’s vaults? You’re absolutely correct in pointing out that theft of mobiles is increasing at an alarming rate. I, for one, have no intention of allowing an uninvited third party to gain access to mine. In reply to your second request, I’m sorry, but I don’t publicise my number. In any event I’d be very unlikely to hear it ring unless I happened to be in the vault at the time.

Dear ‘mostly100sofa’

How right you are! The original telephone could well have been constructed from two seashells ( or coconut shells ) connected by a length of fine liana. However, some researchers feel that it may have been pre-worked animal sinew of some sort. We can only imagine how well such a system would have worked on a large scale – but we shouldn’t forget that it’s primary purpose may not have been long distance conversation, but could have had a religious significance of some kind.

There is some evidence from Maori cave-art that they had envisioned a form of all-communicating web-goddess, which of course rings-true with current technology! What foresight! I’m sure you too were thinking, as I do, of the Norse God Odin’s horse ‘Sleipnir’ who could gallop across the ocean, over land and through the air, just like the electromagnetic waves of today’s telecommunications devices as they cut through the now re-fashionable ether. Can you do lunch sometime?

Dear ‘doigydoig’

I have to disagree with your view that ‘txtng’ constitutes new language. Even if it did, would that be a good thing? Take for instance a good, rounded word like ‘Aeolian’ – translated into ‘txt’ becomes ‘LN’ , hardly an improvement ? Or a passage from the venerable W.S. which would begin ‘2B R NT 2B, THT’S TH ?’ Although there are some languages which do not use any vowels, like Karbardian, I’m personally fond of them, and would H8 2 LS THM THX V MCH.

Dear ‘Craiggem001’

You are a sick puppy and should check-in for psychiatric therapy straight away. I did like your idea about Mr. Blair though.

Dear ‘topiarist’

The Japanese nickname for ‘foreigners’ is ‘gijene’, which loosely translates as ‘barbarian’. The buttons on your Japanese manufactured mobile are not ‘too damn small’. You are too big. It’s unfortunate that you happen to have fingers that resemble a 1Kg pack of pork sausages.

Although a crash diet may remove some of the weight from your flabby digits, if the bone-structure itself is too bulky, then you really do have a problem. Have you tried using the voice-recognition-dialing mode? Unfortunately, the model which you have, the 554-5J, was only manufactured for the Honshu region, so you will, I’m afraid, have to learn Japanese. Hope this helps.

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